You might not understand the title, but bear with me. These past few weeks have been brutal for me. You know, we all say we want God to change us and make us more like Him. It sounds good. Until it actually happens.
For weeks, I have been seeking God by praying more and reading my Bible almost every day. Putting God before my feelings. And for a while, things were good. And then I hit what we call at my church an impasse. An impasse is a place that you come to that you say, “Okay, this is too much. I can’t pray anymore.” I actually took it a step further and told God, “I don’t think I can handle this. It hurts too much.”
Well, I got passed the hump that I thought was a mountain, and kept praying. Lots more praying in tongues.
Around last Saturday, I hit the big Kahuna. A situation came up, and I was frustrated. I said things I shouldn’t have. I gave voice to those negative thoughts bombarding my mind. That was not good. I felt utterly defeated, and promptly declared, “I don’t know how God got the disciples to do it.” To which my mom replied, “That’s why most of them didn’t make it. They quit because it was too hard…too much dying to what they wanted or thought.”
Yeah, I was there. But the thing is, no matter how painful it is, I know God is working this out for my good. You can’t sincerely pray for change and God not answer. So be ready. I have a lot of stuff that needs fixing in my mind and heart. And when I prayed for God to get to the root of the things holding me back, He has. I have been a blubbering, emotional mess for around three weeks. The situation that came up tonight had nothing to do with the people. It had everything to do with ME. That situation shed light on things that need attention in my life. And to be honest, I don’t know what all I need to change. And I don’t have to! That’s where God in His infinite wisdom and mercy comes in to help me change. I just have to be willing.
Recently, I have even thought and said, “But God! There are many other people who don’t pray. They don’t seek You. They don’t want change. They don’t put You first.”
The devil tried to convince me that I didn’t have to either. He’s right. I don’t have to seek God. I can stop right here. But the thing is, I can’t. I know too much. I know how powerful God is. I know that the Bible isn’t just a book of stories. It brings life to all who find it. It is a lamp unto my feet and shines the light on the path. Even if no one else chooses this path, I must continue on.
I know too much to stop praying. I know that prayer changes things. I know the Holy Spirit is my teacher and helper. Because I am assured that if I keep running towards God, I WILL be made more like Him. My thoughts will become His thoughts. My ways will become His ways. I have come too far to quit now. I have made up my mind I won’t turn back. I can’t go back to the way things were before I knew God was real because there is nothing there.
I can’t go back because I know too much.
My prayer I can’t promise that I won’t make mistakes, but I do promise to keep trying. To keep surrendering.
Because even though I look and see people not following God, I know that You have called me to a higher standard. You expect me to keep surrendering, to keep growing, to keep changing.
So even though everything within me is screaming, I give You access once again to my heart. You are the healer of the broken hearted, and I trust You. I know that You not only took my physical pain on the cross, but You also died so that I could be free in my mind and emotions.
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